CRYING IN THE BATHROOM

We’ve all been there haven’t we?
Sneaking off to the bathroom to shed a tear or sob your heart out.
Maybe you have time to spare in there? Or maybe you are at work, at a party, your in-laws and there is just simply no time or space to cry.
I’ll admit, I had a moment like this over this last week. I sat on the bathroom floor and just needed a few minutes.

‘Not now, not now’….you tell yourself.

But that first tear still gently slides down your cheek, slightly stopping before it… oh there it is, a wet drop onto your hand or shirt. Then suddenly another one does the same before you even have chance to attempt to dry the first one, that has now smeared across your skin, or the fabric on your top. Perhaps your tears has dampened your mascara.

It got me thinking, I have heard from countless women (and men) who have reached out to others whilst staring at the cubicle door. I have been one of those people and I truly thank those who have spent their time to send me comfort.

But in those moments, time feels so fast. The mind races.
‘How can I explain this to them out there? What do I say?’
Quick, think of a good excuse.

“I’m ok I just have a headache. Didn’t sleep too well last night…….”
(Yep I got this, they have bought it)

Your colleague replies…. “Pffft you should try having three kids. That’ll give you sleepless nights and paracetamol on repeat prescription…..”
Ha, so funny.

The sadness now turns to hurt in the form of anger.
“Haha yeah…” – Yeah because having children must be soooooooooo awful for you……pfft to you Sharon… bitch.
Gasps to oneself…. I can’t believe I called her a bitch, even though I said it in my own head and she didn’t hear me. Eurgh I hate myself… I hate her too…

No I don’t.

Yes I do.

GRANDADS 80th

You are at a family event. Your aunt who has not seen you for a while approaches you by the buffet. “CONGRATULATIONS on your engagement. Your mum rang and told us, such wonderful news. Hey…you better hurry if you want to have children, the clock is ticking…”

AT WORK

“Here is my annual leave request form. I have decided I am going to redecorate and then enjoy a weekend by the beach somewhere.”
Boss – “Unfortunately you can’t have those dates, Michelle mentioned about having them off for her holiday. After all she has got two children, you can have a holiday anytime of the year”

AT HOME

“Are you ready? We are going to be late…”

“Yes, two seconds, just putting some lipstick on”

“By the way, we’ve had an invitation through the post”

“Oh really? What for?”

“My cousins baby shower.”

ONLINE

Friend shares meme…..

‘YOU DON’T KNOW LOVE UNTIL YOU ARE A MOTHER.’

Ah yes, that must be true. Now let me retreat back to my witches den and twenty black cats.

FLUSHES 

“Excuse me, where is the bathroom please?…”

“Up the stairs, second door on the left”

Door locks. Places hands under the cold tap, a sigh of relief. Dabs toilet tissue on face to avoid smearing make up but dry up the sweat beads that have taken over your top lip, eyelids and chin! The forehead is the worst part, especially when you have a fringe! And the tissue breaks off on your face it is so wet.

Uttering to your pasty reflection in the mirror. “I look like I have been caught in the rain…”
Everyone else looks so beautiful here, in their frocks and long flowing (dry) hair.
Your eyes fill up as you look down at the sink and have a flashback at what life was like before flushes.
“Knock knock…are you going to be long?…”

“Oh, two secs…”
Mothers friend waits on the other side of the door. 

Opens door – “Are you alright love? You look like you’re having a granny…you just wait until you are my age, it is no fun then, hahaha”

I could go on, there are so many instances and bathroom floors that have shared our deepest, most secretive moments.
Whatever the reason may be, if you have shed a single tear or filled the bath. Whether you have been in your own bathroom, the work restroom or behind a cubicle door in a busy restaurant.
Know that you are not alone, for somewhere in the world, there may be another person crying for the same reasons as you, shut away staring at bathroom tiles, who understands.

It is ok to cry in the bathroom.

 

(Image is taken from the film Muriel’s Wedding. A fabulous film)

Lately I have been under so much stress with various things I have forgotten at times how to smile.

Something that has come up for me a lot is insecurity and anxiousness. The constant battle between what you think, how you feel and where you want to be. This manifests itself so differently day-to-day and the unpredictability is nauseating….Hormones huh!

I cannot quite shake this ‘old hag’ feeling I have. I feel I am 80 years old sometimes, I am 28!… 28 and feeling like I am post womanhood. I do not feel very feminine most of the time, I feel frumpy and frankly like shit. My legs ache when climbing stairs, I mean what’s up with that? I feel pain most days and just utter exhaustion, which obviously doesn’t help my mental well-being. All symptoms of premature ovarian failure.

Whilst it is worth acknowledging many menopausal women feel this way, it has been suggested by medical professionals that this is heightened when a woman experiences it younger.

I often look at photographs pre-diagnosis – oh the joys of ‘timehop’ and ‘facebook’ memories!… And I should be looking at these photos thinking ‘that was such fun’, yet I find myself yearning for that younger self. I grieve that person, that woman, that girl, who had no life changing condition (or at least no knowledge of it) and the fun I felt and the beauty I felt I was.

Now, now I feel like an old hag, who is past her prime. The leftover meat nobody wants, the fat off the bacon if you like… and what is worse, is that even these feelings are invisible, just like my diagnosis, totally unseen and when spoken go unheard. I fear seeing people, fear seeing women bearing children and looking so healthy with it and I fear women my age who look slim and beautiful. My body has been dealt the short straw and feels none of these things. I struggle to lose weight, I struggle to feel energised, I struggle to feel worthy.

I certainly have not asked for this and the ‘unknown’ cause to this diagnosis feeds this paranoia I am sure. This also feels the complete opposite to how I ‘morally’ feel the world should be. We should all love one another irrespective of how we look? Right?

But we live in a world where we strive to be seen, listened to and appreciated, yet everyone is busy fighting or flighting or so consumed by themselves, their jobs, their finances, THEIR feelings. Which can make this place of loneliness even more debilitating and makes me question…

Where does this old hag belong?…

S E L F – P R E S E R V A T I O N

This months theme is self-preservation.
The idea behind this theme has come from an experience I had at the GP surgery this week which got me thinking.

I was waiting for an appointment for yet another blood pressure check (this seems to be the latest ‘issue’ due to premature ovarian failure!) and whilst in the waiting area, a family of 5 entered and sat next to me. The mother is openly stressing about the difficulties of having her two daughters off school during the half term. Her daughter, appearing to be aged 6 or thereabouts, was wearing a sequined t-shirt.

The sequins on her t-shirt could be moved to make various shapes and patterns.

Her stepdad said “Draw a massive penis…..” and proceeded to carve out just that on his young stepdaughter’s t-shirt.

The 6 something year old was pulling away asking to go and play with her sister but seemingly ignorant to those around them, the Mum and stepdad laughed and went on to add explicit ‘details’ to their ‘drawing’.

Now (hopefully) anybody would be absolutely appalled, as I was, with witnessing this. Admittedly, I did not say anything as I was unsure of the reaction I may receive. I also cannot explain how experiences like this can make an infertile person feel. When you are robbed of an opportunity to have a life that you thought would always be available to you, then suddenly everything changes, it seems more difficult to stomach such occurrences.

Tolerance, responses and reactions to everyday situations change due to heightened sensitivity and emotions, which is the case for anybody who has had to deal with a life changing circumstance. For example someone grieving a close sibling may become more frustrated by any strained relationships others may have with their siblings, particularly if they are taken for granted. It is that whole “Well at least you still have a ‘brother'” scenario.

Anyway, what I have taken from this experience, as well as many others that I have unfortunately encountered over the years, is that self-preservation is key. I have had to ‘manage’ my own limits and learn to remove myself both physically and emotionally from such situations that compromise my well-being. I do this by doing the things I love. It is far from easy making time to do all of these things but when I do I reap the benefits. Just spending quality time with my boyfriend, listening to music, go for a walk or playing on my violin can help distract my mind from the power that is over thinking.

I am not oblivious to what is happening around me but I CHOOSE not to let it bog me down. I CHOOSE not to allow my energy (which let’s face it is near to zero as it is) to be robbed by others. I CHOOSE not to allow experiences such as drawing phallic images on an innocent child’s top weigh me down any more than it possibly should because I cannot conceive myself.

I CHOOSE SELF-PRESERVATION….

P.S…….You can too!

x

Doesn’t it feel like March is here in no time but then disappears just like that…

We are in the middle of March now and for my ‘justovaryacting’ Facebook page I have been having a theme of the month that started in January. However, I have come to realise that I haven’t picked one for this month yet and I am running out of TIME.

So, this got me thinking…what is it about time that causes such barriers in our lives. What could we do if we had more time? How much time do we waste on unimportant things?

You often hear people say;

“It’s too late now…”

“If only we had more time with them…”

“I need more time…”

Time has become such a detrimental aspect of our lives and can have quite negative feelings/experiences attached to it. “She is being moody, must be her ‘TIME’ of the month…” I wonder how often the use of time damages us psychologically. I know that personally this month, nearly everyday I have been beating myself up about not thinking of a theme for my page and that time is running out. The truth is, my blogs and support page are all done in my own time, unpaid and purely from my passionate, giving nature. I want to raise awareness and I want to support others who are experiencing the same thing, however I also have a life, a very busy life and sometimes the things I want to do get pushed aside, due to TIME.

So, it seemed logical to me to make this months theme about TIME. Premature ovarian insufficiency is very much about time;

Time that has run out to biologically have children, time of starting menopause early – or time for ‘the change’ as it is often referred by, time to take medication, time to start fertility treatment, time to end fertility treatment, the right time to tell others, time to grieve, time to mourn a life you have never had, time to accept, times of the year (Mother’s Day, Christmas etc) time to rest, the right time to tell potential lovers, time to focus on careers….I could go on.

Since diagnosis in 2016 it has felt very much that time has become more significant than ever. Mostly I have felt what a waste of time the previous 26 years of my life has been. I had grown up with the idealistic view that my health would be great, I would meet a man, get a house, marry and have children, because isn’t that what we are brought up to believe? So being diagnosed with a life changing condition certainly turned all of my ‘ideal’ upside down and I felt/feel that I am starting out again, finding myself again and rebuilding my life. I certainly feel robbed of choice, of experiences and of time.

All of this being said, time can heal if we allow it to. On reflection I am in a much better place than I was two years ago and hopefully in two more years I can say the same. Everyday brings a new experience with POI and Infertility, but as time passes I learn more and more. Some days are harder than others admittedly, timing is rubbish for most things but I do refuse to let time ruin me.

Listen to your body, listen to your mind, listen to your needs, life is too short to waste ‘time’.

X

I sit here very tired after spending a day hosting visitors and having my partners son all weekend.

This blog is actually from 2017! But when I read over it, I felt it still very much applies.

I have read many posts from others who have shared amazing experiences and deep meaningful thoughts which has been so lovely to see, yet so very wounding also. Wounding because I can relate to most and also because it is a sad reality that many suffer infertility. And trust me it is a suffering.

I am not at a stage in my life where children were (before diagnosis) and are now (after diagnosis) a plan for the future (although I always wanted them). It is extremely mind blowing to have to hear you are infertile before you had even considered starting a family, I really did take for granted that it would just happen for me when the time was right.

How wrong I was.

It is very hard to hear of pregnancy announcements. And I feel guilt for saying that it truly pisses me off that some will become parents, when they can barely look after themselves. All of those children taken into care, all of those children neglected, all of those unplanned ‘oh well’ children, all of those irresponsible parents……

In fact, I don’t feel too guilty…. and who can really blame me?

It’s been a tough few months for me personally. This diagnosis of premature ovarian failure (early menopause) has quite literally kicked the shit out of me both physically and mentally.

It is just still so RAW.

But I am not writing this for pity. I simply ask that more acknowledgment is given to such a shit diagnosis. I ask that you bare in mind your loved ones who may be struggling with fertility, struggling because they cannot be a mother/father, struggling that they won’t be a grandparent, struggling because they have suffered loss of their child/children, struggling because of struggling!…..

Send them a text, give them a call or squeeze them extra tight next time you see them.

“You cannot erase someone’s pain, but you could help it hurt a little less…..”

X

Lately I have felt all over the place. One day I feel I’ve regained a little control, the next, is like trying to ride a horse that has no legs. But I cannot get over this overwhelming anxiety that seems to have really come to the surface over the last few weeks.

Interestingly I recently changed my HRT to an oestrogen patch and progesterone pill, therefore I do wonder whether this is having a huge impact on my physical and psychological state.

But how do you differentiate YOUR feelings to the feelings that the HRT may be influencing? If my natural feelings are off will this influence the HRT? I just don’t know.

I feel like a crumb of my former self. Which I can only explain as being totally heart wrenching. When my diagnosis came out last April I was so prepared to get ‘on top’ of it all and naively assumed that within a few months I would have ‘it’ (whatever that may be) under control. But the truth is I’ve never felt more out of control.

The biggest problem I face though is trying to explain the day to day feelings I get to those who I love. Because obviously this impacts them too. However, as many women who are experiencing the same as I will know, the impact on them is not even a scratch compared to the impact it has on us, on me.

So explaining why my mood changes or feelings change so dramatically is so difficult and upsetting when I don’t even know why……. it is unexplainable.

Naturally we seek answers for things we do not understand. My diagnosis has no apparent cause they told me, I seek answers to something I may never find the real truth to everyday. And that, is particularly hard for others to grasp, no matter how hard they may try. It’s always the unexpected that may trigger this feeling of ‘shit why is this happening to me?’. It is very draining to try and understand that sometimes things just happen. But to be honest ‘things just happen’ is a HUGE patronisation compared to what actually happens day to day for someone going through early menopause and infertility.

What is the right thing to do?

In love, in career, in life?

I simply just do not know. And do you know why?

Because I can’t explain it.

X

As it is Mental Health Awareness Week it just seems appropriate to divulge a little into how Menopause can affect ones mental health.

Obviously women experience menopause differently. Some women I have spoken to ‘sailed through’ their menopause, whilst others have found it to be one of the most testing times of their lives. Some women experience this huge empowerment, almost like a rebirth of themselves, others may feel nothing but emptiness and desperation.

Of course this all changes even more so when you are experiencing menopause at a younger age. I am by no means trying to take away the impact menopause has on someone who is at the ‘average’ age of menopause, but there does have to be acknowledgement that early menopause/premature ovarian failure can carry so many more psychological ‘side effects’.

Menopause can also be extremely embarrassing which negatively contributes to poor mental health. Memory loss, irregular bleeding, confusion, lack of sex drive, vaginal dryness, hot flushes, weight fluctuations, depression are just some of the effects women face during this time of change. And don’t forget this can have a huge impact on friends and families too. Marriages have ended because of menopause, friendships (including some of mine) have ended because of menopause, or rather because of a complete lack of understanding, both about yourself and others about you. I have found premature menopause to be one of the loneliest, isolating experiences of my life. Again this is hugely down to having it so young, at an age where my reproductive system should be in its prime! I have noticed a huge change in my mental health over the last 12 months and even beyond that when my menopause was happening but was undiagnosed. I have had to make changes in the way I live my life and more importantly how I manage my stress and my mental health. I can remember some days where I wanted nothing more than to just die. I have since found that this can be very common when experiencing menopause, as the hormone imbalance and significant changes in mood just send you into the unknown. I used to ask myself, is this really me talking? or is it my menopause talking? then I wondered, who actually am I?

The ‘change’ is exactly that, it CHANGED me.

Infertility is a MASSIVE heart wrenching impact of menopause. Women are gradually becoming older mothers, so even starting menopause in your mid 40’s may come as a shock if you are still expecting to have a child. If like me you are even younger than this, it really is a massive LIFE CHANGING experience, future dreams and plans are smashed in minutes. At 27 (26 at diagnosis) I do not really know how I feel regarding my infertility. Some days I feel ok with it, others it’s like my heart has been ripped out. I just simply do not know.

Recently I was approached by my local paper regarding IVF cuts in my area. Although presently I have no plans to have IVF, I feel so passionate about it because I have witnessed and heard from many women and men who are devastated by infertility and the NHS cuts. It could be debated forever what NHS funding should be prioritised for, but in my opinion if we do not speak out for what we are passionate about, we may as well expect failure. So I was willing to at least try to raise awareness. Overall the response was fantastic and supportive, of course some disagree and that is fine, but a couple of readers were particularly vile and said some of the most unforgiving comments about infertility. I have also witnessed this online before where I have seen a young woman bullied because she expressed how a video of a woman disrespecting her children made her feel angry as she understands the loss you feel when you cannot have children. One comment read ‘Go and talk to your other infertile friends whilst the rest of us make babies……..’

Speechless.

Fortunately I reached out to this woman and she is now able to feel supported by other women within a support group who face the same childless future. (see below for organisation details)

I have also witnessed men and women disrespect menopause on many occasions. For example, I once overheard someone say “Oh you don’t want to go to that session, it’s riddled with menopausal women…..” This makes it even harder for us to look after our mental health when women are bullied for experiencing menopause. Which is just baffling as it is something that happens to every single woman in their lifetime.

I feel one of the hardest things for me is trying to explain to others how I feel, especially if I may look fine. This can also be because a lot of the time I do not actually know why I feel the way I do. As a master of disguise it not always easy to tell with me if I am feeling significantly unwell or having a bad menopausal day. I wake up, apply make up and do my hair like any other day, yet inside I am aching, hurting and mentally feel so drained. I show up to events, work, wherever and nobody would know what is really happening inside. Sometimes, my legs feel like they have weights attached to them and just walking to and from my car feels like a marathon, yet nobody would know. Having a lack of oestrogen at any age is difficult to live with, but when you are younger it feels like life has placed a huge brick wall to anything you may usually do or want to do. Therefore, when someone may ask ‘why haven’t you done this…..’ especially in the work environment, it is extremely frustrating to try to explain how you feel INSIDE.

When tears stream down your face and you cannot find the reason as to why, it is such a massive mental head fuck because what can you say? Why do you feel this way? What can you do about it? Usually the answer is just to ‘ride it out’ and hope that your hormones balance as the day goes on. The obvious response is to talk to someone about it, but this can be difficult when there is such a taboo still regarding menopause, however I feel this is slowly improving and in particular the media have started to report on menopause a lot more. I have found meditation can help too, particularly before bed, keeping a journal too can improve your mental health and help release some of those emotions menopause brings.

Lack of control, research and uncertainty also play a role in how menopause affects our mental health.

“Hormone replacement therapy (HRT) causes cancer…..”

“If you do not take HRT, you are at risk of osteoporosis and heart failure….”

I was told this during the same appointment. So imagine the confusion and stress this can cause somebody who is already facing a huge shock. I was then discharged and have been left to seek the answers on my own. What are women to do when information is so contradicting? What are women meant to do when given two sentences like that in the same minute? What are women to do to ensure their mental health isn’t negatively affected by menopause?…..

I feel extremely fortunate to feel in a different, yet more secure place than I was perhaps 12 months ago. However, some days still feel uncertain, but that’s menopause! The most important message I want to share is, if every woman no matter what age or circumstance experiences menopause in their lifetime, why aren’t we all a little kinder about it? A little more understanding and educating others about it? Why have we STILL got such a huge mountain to climb when it comes to understanding menopause and what we can do to benefit our mental health, our lives?!

If there is one positive I could share with you right now, it is that in a very unexplainable, unimaginable way, I do actually feel fortunate to be going through menopause so young. Because if it means I can play a part in breaking the taboo and shifting the way we see menopause, particularly by reassuring women they are not alone then that is just simply amazing.

Steph X

• Organisation mentioned above can be found at;  http://thedovecote.org/

 

 

Me = no = pause……

Anyone else feel that they need a break?

I have felt so stressed, exhausted and emotional this week it is unreal. To be honest I have felt this way for a long time but recently it has reached a new high. There is just no rest.

No matter how much sleep I get, I still feel I haven’t slept. No matter how good my day is, I still feel low. No matter how calm I am, I still feel rage. I have never wanted to tell people to fuck off so much in my life. The logical side of my brain is saying ‘shut up don’t be so stupid’, but I just can’t stop ‘ovaryacting’ to everything and everyone. Today my laptop cable fell on the floor as I was trying to pack it, rather than just pick it up I stood there, cried a little and wished out loud that someone would help me, just pick it up for me, because I feel too exhausted to even do that. Of course this example is just a small amount of icing on what seems to be a humongous cake full of shit. There is no way of telling when these mixed emotions will stop or calm down. I wake up everyday never knowing where my hormones will take me that day.

It is amazing how your hormones can make you feel like a stranger to yourself.

There is such a lack of empathy and too much ignorance about the menopause. And if there is this lack of reaction to menopause in general, then there is even less of a reaction regarding premature ovarian failure. This makes it near impossible to explain to others what you are going through and harder for others to empathise with you when there is just not enough information about it. I will never understand why something that will happen to half of the population is not discussed openly and in more depth. I have a felt a real lack of comfort, empathy, support and understanding from people lately. I feel they forget that this is long-term for me, very long-term and the fatigue at times is unbearable yet I soldier on. Perhaps I am over sensitive lately, or I am just seeing true colours of those around me, right now I am unsure. But I have decided to be ‘out of office’ until further notice. It is like that automatic reply you get when you email someone who is away. I am ignoring messages and requests that can wait and focusing on just being. I need to do this before my head explodes. I described the feeling to a friend as….

“Imagine you are a bowl of porridge in the microwave, you’ve read all of the instructions and put the timer to what it states, however the porridge is overflowing over the top of the bowl, running down the sides and spilling all over the glass turntable plate, leaving an awkward mess to clean and the leftover porridge deflated in the bowl……”

An unusual description I know, but I felt it best described me at this moment in time.

All this being said, there are parts of me that feel it may be a blessing that going through the menopause at 26 is actually setting me up for a good life. That may seem totally bonkers to say, but I have spoken to many women who are at the natural age of menopause and they wish they had the empowerment, knowledge, self-care and confidence, that menopause has brought them but when they were my age instead of mid-life. These women feel like changed people who can achieve more with their lives. They focus on what really matters to them, what makes them who they are and hear their own voice for perhaps the first time in 45-50 years. If I can have that wisdom and experience of being my true authentic self so young, without regret or bitterness of my past, then I cannot help but feel a tad lucky.

There are many devastating aspects however. And things certainly aren’t settled yet. But even so, my position, although not very kind, not wanted nor beneficial to my health, is still better than someone else’s. And for that I feel I must be grateful.

Until next time

x