Lately I have been under so much stress with various things I have forgotten at times how to smile.
Something that has come up for me a lot is insecurity and anxiousness. The constant battle between what you think, how you feel and where you want to be. This manifests itself so differently day-to-day and the unpredictability is nauseating….Hormones huh!
I cannot quite shake this ‘old hag’ feeling I have. I feel I am 80 years old sometimes, I am 28!… 28 and feeling like I am post womanhood. I do not feel very feminine most of the time, I feel frumpy and frankly like shit. My legs ache when climbing stairs, I mean what’s up with that? I feel pain most days and just utter exhaustion, which obviously doesn’t help my mental well-being. All symptoms of premature ovarian failure.
Whilst it is worth acknowledging many menopausal women feel this way, it has been suggested by medical professionals that this is heightened when a woman experiences it younger.
I often look at photographs pre-diagnosis – oh the joys of ‘timehop’ and ‘facebook’ memories!… And I should be looking at these photos thinking ‘that was such fun’, yet I find myself yearning for that younger self. I grieve that person, that woman, that girl, who had no life changing condition (or at least no knowledge of it) and the fun I felt and the beauty I felt I was.
Now, now I feel like an old hag, who is past her prime. The leftover meat nobody wants, the fat off the bacon if you like… and what is worse, is that even these feelings are invisible, just like my diagnosis, totally unseen and when spoken go unheard. I fear seeing people, fear seeing women bearing children and looking so healthy with it and I fear women my age who look slim and beautiful. My body has been dealt the short straw and feels none of these things. I struggle to lose weight, I struggle to feel energised, I struggle to feel worthy.
I certainly have not asked for this and the ‘unknown’ cause to this diagnosis feeds this paranoia I am sure. This also feels the complete opposite to how I ‘morally’ feel the world should be. We should all love one another irrespective of how we look? Right?
But we live in a world where we strive to be seen, listened to and appreciated, yet everyone is busy fighting or flighting or so consumed by themselves, their jobs, their finances, THEIR feelings. Which can make this place of loneliness even more debilitating and makes me question…
Where does this old hag belong?…
2 thoughts on “The Old Hag…..Before Her Time.”
I went through early menopause aged 28. No cause was found until the same thing happened to my younger sister so it was a genetic fault. You will feel better, I promise! The Daisy Network was my sanity in the early days, I joined the committee and threw myself into helping other women in the same situation. Then I started the soul destroying journey of egg donation IVF. The birth of my twins after 4 years of trying was my turning point – I was a mother just like my peers. Now I am 49 and my friends are all going through the menopause. I sit back and say smugly ‘ been there, done that. Glad Ive got it over and done with!’. Sending you much love and empathy xxxx
Thank you so much! I am balling right now! It’s so good to know I’m not alone in these feelings! I too am currently 28, I had a hysterectomy at 23 and have been menopausal even since as HRT has no effect on me. I am losing hope that I will ever be able to resume life. My family and friends took off when I had my surgery and it’s just a very lonely existence!