Lately I have been under so much stress with various things I have forgotten at times how to smile.
Something that has come up for me a lot is insecurity and anxiousness. The constant battle between what you think, how you feel and where you want to be. This manifests itself so differently day-to-day and the unpredictability is nauseating….Hormones huh!
I cannot quite shake this ‘old hag’ feeling I have. I feel I am 80 years old sometimes, I am 28!… 28 and feeling like I am post womanhood. I do not feel very feminine most of the time, I feel frumpy and frankly like shit. My legs ache when climbing stairs, I mean what’s up with that? I feel pain most days and just utter exhaustion, which obviously doesn’t help my mental well-being. All symptoms of premature ovarian failure.
Whilst it is worth acknowledging many menopausal women feel this way, it has been suggested by medical professionals that this is heightened when a woman experiences it younger.
I often look at photographs pre-diagnosis – oh the joys of ‘timehop’ and ‘facebook’ memories!… And I should be looking at these photos thinking ‘that was such fun’, yet I find myself yearning for that younger self. I grieve that person, that woman, that girl, who had no life changing condition (or at least no knowledge of it) and the fun I felt and the beauty I felt I was.
Now, now I feel like an old hag, who is past her prime. The leftover meat nobody wants, the fat off the bacon if you like… and what is worse, is that even these feelings are invisible, just like my diagnosis, totally unseen and when spoken go unheard. I fear seeing people, fear seeing women bearing children and looking so healthy with it and I fear women my age who look slim and beautiful. My body has been dealt the short straw and feels none of these things. I struggle to lose weight, I struggle to feel energised, I struggle to feel worthy.
I certainly have not asked for this and the ‘unknown’ cause to this diagnosis feeds this paranoia I am sure. This also feels the complete opposite to how I ‘morally’ feel the world should be. We should all love one another irrespective of how we look? Right?
But we live in a world where we strive to be seen, listened to and appreciated, yet everyone is busy fighting or flighting or so consumed by themselves, their jobs, their finances, THEIR feelings. Which can make this place of loneliness even more debilitating and makes me question…
Where does this old hag belong?…