Lately I have felt all over the place. One day I feel I’ve regained a little control, the next, is like trying to ride a horse that has no legs. But I cannot get over this overwhelming anxiety that seems to have really come to the surface over the last few weeks.

Interestingly I recently changed my HRT to an oestrogen patch and progesterone pill, therefore I do wonder whether this is having a huge impact on my physical and psychological state.

But how do you differentiate YOUR feelings to the feelings that the HRT may be influencing? If my natural feelings are off will this influence the HRT? I just don’t know.

I feel like a crumb of my former self. Which I can only explain as being totally heart wrenching. When my diagnosis came out last April I was so prepared to get ‘on top’ of it all and naively assumed that within a few months I would have ‘it’ (whatever that may be) under control. But the truth is I’ve never felt more out of control.

The biggest problem I face though is trying to explain the day to day feelings I get to those who I love. Because obviously this impacts them too. However, as many women who are experiencing the same as I will know, the impact on them is not even a scratch compared to the impact it has on us, on me.

So explaining why my mood changes or feelings change so dramatically is so difficult and upsetting when I don’t even know why……. it is unexplainable.

Naturally we seek answers for things we do not understand. My diagnosis has no apparent cause they told me, I seek answers to something I may never find the real truth to everyday. And that, is particularly hard for others to grasp, no matter how hard they may try. It’s always the unexpected that may trigger this feeling of ‘shit why is this happening to me?’. It is very draining to try and understand that sometimes things just happen. But to be honest ‘things just happen’ is a HUGE patronisation compared to what actually happens day to day for someone going through early menopause and infertility.

What is the right thing to do?

In love, in career, in life?

I simply just do not know. And do you know why?

Because I can’t explain it.

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