I sit here very tired after spending a day hosting visitors and having my partners son all weekend.

This blog is actually from 2017! But when I read over it, I felt it still very much applies.

I have read many posts from others who have shared amazing experiences and deep meaningful thoughts which has been so lovely to see, yet so very wounding also. Wounding because I can relate to most and also because it is a sad reality that many suffer infertility. And trust me it is a suffering.

I am not at a stage in my life where children were (before diagnosis) and are now (after diagnosis) a plan for the future (although I always wanted them). It is extremely mind blowing to have to hear you are infertile before you had even considered starting a family, I really did take for granted that it would just happen for me when the time was right.

How wrong I was.

It is very hard to hear of pregnancy announcements. And I feel guilt for saying that it truly pisses me off that some will become parents, when they can barely look after themselves. All of those children taken into care, all of those children neglected, all of those unplanned ‘oh well’ children, all of those irresponsible parents……

In fact, I don’t feel too guilty…. and who can really blame me?

It’s been a tough few months for me personally. This diagnosis of premature ovarian failure (early menopause) has quite literally kicked the shit out of me both physically and mentally.

It is just still so RAW.

But I am not writing this for pity. I simply ask that more acknowledgment is given to such a shit diagnosis. I ask that you bare in mind your loved ones who may be struggling with fertility, struggling because they cannot be a mother/father, struggling that they won’t be a grandparent, struggling because they have suffered loss of their child/children, struggling because of struggling!…..

Send them a text, give them a call or squeeze them extra tight next time you see them.

“You cannot erase someone’s pain, but you could help it hurt a little less…..”

X

Lately I have felt all over the place. One day I feel I’ve regained a little control, the next, is like trying to ride a horse that has no legs. But I cannot get over this overwhelming anxiety that seems to have really come to the surface over the last few weeks.

Interestingly I recently changed my HRT to an oestrogen patch and progesterone pill, therefore I do wonder whether this is having a huge impact on my physical and psychological state.

But how do you differentiate YOUR feelings to the feelings that the HRT may be influencing? If my natural feelings are off will this influence the HRT? I just don’t know.

I feel like a crumb of my former self. Which I can only explain as being totally heart wrenching. When my diagnosis came out last April I was so prepared to get ‘on top’ of it all and naively assumed that within a few months I would have ‘it’ (whatever that may be) under control. But the truth is I’ve never felt more out of control.

The biggest problem I face though is trying to explain the day to day feelings I get to those who I love. Because obviously this impacts them too. However, as many women who are experiencing the same as I will know, the impact on them is not even a scratch compared to the impact it has on us, on me.

So explaining why my mood changes or feelings change so dramatically is so difficult and upsetting when I don’t even know why……. it is unexplainable.

Naturally we seek answers for things we do not understand. My diagnosis has no apparent cause they told me, I seek answers to something I may never find the real truth to everyday. And that, is particularly hard for others to grasp, no matter how hard they may try. It’s always the unexpected that may trigger this feeling of ‘shit why is this happening to me?’. It is very draining to try and understand that sometimes things just happen. But to be honest ‘things just happen’ is a HUGE patronisation compared to what actually happens day to day for someone going through early menopause and infertility.

What is the right thing to do?

In love, in career, in life?

I simply just do not know. And do you know why?

Because I can’t explain it.

X