Me – no – pause

Me = no = pause……

Anyone else feel that they need a break?

I have felt so stressed, exhausted and emotional this week it is unreal. To be honest I have felt this way for a long time but recently it has reached a new high. There is just no rest.

No matter how much sleep I get, I still feel I haven’t slept. No matter how good my day is, I still feel low. No matter how calm I am, I still feel rage. I have never wanted to tell people to fuck off so much in my life. The logical side of my brain is saying ‘shut up don’t be so stupid’, but I just can’t stop ‘ovaryacting’ to everything and everyone. Today my laptop cable fell on the floor as I was trying to pack it, rather than just pick it up I stood there, cried a little and wished out loud that someone would help me, just pick it up for me, because I feel too exhausted to even do that. Of course this example is just a small amount of icing on what seems to be a humongous cake full of shit. There is no way of telling when these mixed emotions will stop or calm down. I wake up everyday never knowing where my hormones will take me that day.

It is amazing how your hormones can make you feel like a stranger to yourself.

There is such a lack of empathy and too much ignorance about the menopause. And if there is this lack of reaction to menopause in general, then there is even less of a reaction regarding premature ovarian failure. This makes it near impossible to explain to others what you are going through and harder for others to empathise with you when there is just not enough information about it. I will never understand why something that will happen to half of the population is not discussed openly and in more depth. I have a felt a real lack of comfort, empathy, support and understanding from people lately. I feel they forget that this is long-term for me, very long-term and the fatigue at times is unbearable yet I soldier on. Perhaps I am over sensitive lately, or I am just seeing true colours of those around me, right now I am unsure. But I have decided to be ‘out of office’ until further notice. It is like that automatic reply you get when you email someone who is away. I am ignoring messages and requests that can wait and focusing on just being. I need to do this before my head explodes. I described the feeling to a friend as….

“Imagine you are a bowl of porridge in the microwave, you’ve read all of the instructions and put the timer to what it states, however the porridge is overflowing over the top of the bowl, running down the sides and spilling all over the glass turntable plate, leaving an awkward mess to clean and the leftover porridge deflated in the bowl……”

An unusual description I know, but I felt it best described me at this moment in time.

All this being said, there are parts of me that feel it may be a blessing that going through the menopause at 26 is actually setting me up for a good life. That may seem totally bonkers to say, but I have spoken to many women who are at the natural age of menopause and they wish they had the empowerment, knowledge, self-care and confidence, that menopause has brought them but when they were my age instead of mid-life. These women feel like changed people who can achieve more with their lives. They focus on what really matters to them, what makes them who they are and hear their own voice for perhaps the first time in 45-50 years. If I can have that wisdom and experience of being my true authentic self so young, without regret or bitterness of my past, then I cannot help but feel a tad lucky.

There are many devastating aspects however. And things certainly aren’t settled yet. But even so, my position, although not very kind, not wanted nor beneficial to my health, is still better than someone else’s. And for that I feel I must be grateful.

Until next time

x