Firstly, Happy New Year everyone! May 2017 be a happy and healthy year for you all.
Exhaustion has kicked In full force lately. I am so tired yet battling insomnia, I am very stressed and just outright done.
I guess this was a long time coming, the processing of my diagnosis faced with the reality of living my life still. Everything has changed, the shock is quietening down but I am realising that this isn’t a dream, it is my life now.
All I want is a month, a year, a lifetime off to reenergize but it just isn’t going to happen. So, it is now a matter of dealing with this desperate need for change and a restful, peaceful mind, but also trying to incorporate this into my life right now. This is way easier said than done though, believe me.
But although I have been knocked down a lot lately I do indeed get back up again, every time. I have no clue where this inner strength comes from but it’s there and I guess I have to admire that and be thankful. There are times though where I wish to give up, to admit defeat, times where honestly, it is hard to see a way forward.
I cannot begin to describe how off-balance the psychological and physical effects of POF are. If I am not feeling completely exhausted or unable to move I am feeling very low or traumatized from processing what having POF actually entails. For example I have been having heart palpitations recently and I had one so strong whilst out driving that the thought actually crossed my mind that I may die. Call me crazy but I was scared, apparently this can be quite common for women experiencing POF but it is new for me.
I don’t know what is the right thing to do to treat premature menopause, I am on HRT but how do I know this isn’t making me feel worse? I have to rely on medical experts to ‘look after me’ but really I am a vulnerable woman who has lost control of my own choices. This includes choices of going out, making plans, enjoying myself, going to work and more heartbreakingly losing the choice to have children. I will never become a mother to a baby that is produced from my eggs, I may never become a grandmother and so on. Basically you lose choice over your whole life, future plans and purpose. As for the HRT, putting my faith in someone else whether an ‘expert’ or not is hard, what if they are wrong?…….
Just before I go, I do wish to acknowledge a friend of mine called Carla, who set up a justgiving page for me, post me having a breakdown at work after I saw my GP (Who is amazing). She did this as she recognises what I try to do for others and I guess she wanted to try to give a little back. It’s been a really hard few months, I have lost income and to be honest lost aspects of myself I used to love and miss due to endless appointments, sickness, stress, anxiety and I will be honest the processing of heartache. I am truly thankful to know such kind people who have donated to help me and to Carla for setting up the page. Thank you.
P.S – Headline pic is of a fertility temple in Mexico i visited in September 🙂
4 thoughts on “I get knocked down but I get up again…..”
That was really sweet of your friend to do. I am so sorry for how you have been feeling, and I whole heartedly can relate to coming to that point where you realize “shit…yeah this is for real.” Last Year I spent more days down than up, and it mostly was due to not having a CLUE how to get a grip on this. Not sure I ever will but I am starting to brush a little dust off every day. I’ve been blessed to find other women who understand what I am feeling though. Even just talking to you and Bairbre on Facebook this morning about the initial diagnosis experience for each of us made me feel better and more determined to do everything I can to cope with this and hopefully help others to do the same!!
Keep getting back up girl. You’re a warrior. Xx
Also, I meant to commend you on your Chumbuwumba lyrics in the title. I don’t know if that was on purpose or not, but it was awesome.
I’m so sorry for the late response, I’ve been battling the flu – typical, as if I wasn’t fatigued enough!
It’s very kind of you to comment and absolutely, it’s heart warming to know that you’re not the only one going through it. That being said I think there is a long way to go still with awareness etc. It’s sad to think of those who haven’t yet come across someone ‘in their shoes’.
I’ve definitely had more down days than up, but something inside me says that it’ll be ok. So I’m treasuring that feeling, may it last!
Hope you’ve been alright?
And top points to you, it is indeed from chumbuwumba!
I’ve been battling a sinus infection myself! You’re right, as if our menopause fatigue wasn’t bad enough already ugh. I am well other than that though. You’re right..there really is such a long way to go with awareness. Just yesterday I was speaking to someone about two new tattoos I’d like to get, one of them being for my experience with this and I want to put it right on my forearm so it will be a conversation starter. It’s been liberating and surprisingly easy lately to just tell people my situation. I was so scared about that in the beginning, and ashamed. But finding other women out there has definitely given me strength to share my story 🙂