Firstly, Happy New Year everyone! May 2017 be a happy and healthy year for you all.

Exhaustion has kicked In full force lately. I am so tired yet battling insomnia, I am very stressed and just outright done.

I guess this was a long time coming, the processing of my diagnosis faced with the reality of living my life still. Everything has changed, the shock is quietening down but I am realising that this isn’t a dream, it is my life now.

All I want is a month, a year, a lifetime off to reenergize but it just isn’t going to happen. So, it is now a matter of dealing with this desperate need for change and a restful, peaceful mind, but also trying to incorporate this into my life right now. This is way easier said than done though, believe me.

But although I have been knocked down a lot lately I do indeed get back up again, every time. I have no clue where this inner strength comes from but it’s there and I guess I have to admire that and be thankful. There are times though where I wish to give up, to admit defeat, times where honestly, it is hard to see a way forward.

I cannot begin to describe how off-balance the psychological and physical effects of POF are. If I am not feeling completely exhausted or unable to move I am feeling very low or traumatized from processing what having POF actually entails. For example I have been having heart palpitations recently and I had one so strong whilst out driving that the thought actually crossed my mind that I may die. Call me crazy but I was scared, apparently this can be quite common for women experiencing POF but it is new for me.

I don’t know what is the right thing to do to treat premature menopause, I am on HRT but how do I know this isn’t making me feel worse? I have to rely on medical experts to ‘look after me’ but really I am a vulnerable woman who has lost control of my own choices. This includes choices of going out, making plans, enjoying myself, going to work and more heartbreakingly losing the choice to have children. I will never become a mother to a baby that is produced from my eggs, I may never become a grandmother and so on. Basically you lose choice over your whole life, future plans and purpose. As for the HRT, putting my faith in someone else whether an ‘expert’ or not is hard, what if they are wrong?…….

Just before I go, I do wish to acknowledge a friend of mine called Carla, who set up a justgiving page for me, post me having a breakdown at work after I saw my GP (Who is amazing). She did this as she recognises what I try to do for others and I guess she wanted to try to give a little back. It’s been a really hard few months, I have lost income and to be honest lost aspects of myself I used to love and miss due to endless appointments, sickness, stress, anxiety and I will be honest the processing of heartache. I am truly thankful to know such kind people who have donated to help me and to Carla for setting up the page. Thank you.

Speak soon

Steph x

P.S – Headline pic is of a fertility temple in Mexico i visited in September  🙂